Disciplining a child is hard work. You love your kids and don’t you just wish they would simply stop doing all those things that you’ve told them a million times not to do? Why don’t they get it? WHY?
For years, I’ve been a negotiator. Reasoning, pleading, and begging my kids to do the right thing. I’ve got pretty wonderful kids, but one problem we have is, shall we say, inappropriate verbal skills. Witness the following:
Girl: (dances in front of TV repeatedly, waving her arms and flinging her body around)
Boy: “Get out the way, loser!”
Girl: “I’m not doing anything, idiot!”
Boy: (throws a pillow at Girl)
Girl: (chases Boy to punch him or otherwise retaliate)
I know it’s perfectly normal for siblings to argue, but the verbal abuse (That’s really what it is – too many parents cushion it as “teasing” or “name-calling.” It’s abuse.) is unacceptable to me. I never hit my children or call them names, so it’s not as if I’ve taught them to act this way.
Or have I? You see, I’m also a yeller. When my kids won’t listen, I yell. Not because it’s effective, but because I am out of ideas. I can’t think of any other way. And while I yell, I make empty threats and dish out punishments that will later be negotiated down.
But let me stop here for a minute because I should have written all of that in past tense. I’m now a recovering yeller.
Yelling has never gotten me anywhere in my parenting. Talking to my kids, reasoning (don’t you see that this behavior only gets you in trouble?), and negotiating has not solved one problem. Ever. What has gotten results?
Shutting the hell up.
When your kids are misbehaving, they want something. When you engage in a verbal battle with them, they are making you lose control. So shut it down. Immediately. Have a list of brief, task-oriented consequences for bad behavior. By task-oriented, I mean they have to actually do something relevant to prove that they can behave before they get a privilege back. Calling your sister an idiot? You lose your video game privileges until you can be respectful to her for two hours.
If your child is trying to draw you into an argument and continues to be disrespectful, you need to disconnect. Walk away. Ignore them – they hate that more than anything, trust me. Don’t get caught up in that whole “Keep it up and you’ll be grounded for a week! OK, now it’s two weeks!…” Those types of punishments are ineffective in the long run. So it goes something like this:
- Misbehavior.
- Tell the child what they have done wrong and what the consequence is.
- Walk away and don’t say another word.
I’m not a parenting expert, I’m just a Mom who is trying hard to improve her parenting skills. One of the best resources I’ve found is Empowering Parents, where most of the above ideas came from. Check out their post on stopping a screaming match with your child.
If you’re a yeller, be sure to read Yelling. is. not. okay. and Noble Mother’s “12 Days to Stop Yelling.” Then just shut up.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
I do the exact same thing. It truly does work. You gotta stick to your guns, though and not cave and start screaming. When a parent yells, all a kid hears is a loud noise coming from a woman that hasn’t showered and it’s already dinner time (that woman I guess is me)
When you ignore them, they HEAR the silence all too well.
I’m child-less wife (at least for now), but it always breaks my heart every time my neighbors yell at their toddlers or when my parents yell at my toddler half-brother. I hope, one day, when I become a mother, I can apply this #1 parenting tip from you. Thank you :)
Diar A.´s last post: Writing is Joy: An Affirmation
Yelling may not be the solution. I still remember my mother in law used to be a baby sitter who never beat her baby in care. She only uses one tactic, by her eye to warn the child not to do something funny or physically ask the child to stay outside or standing for few hours to make him/her to remember the lesson.
Winson´s last post: More posts on kids and manage kids stress
Thank you for this post I^m so in this subject at the moment and it fells good to see that others are going through this too and most important to get som tips and ideas to CHANGE this state!
Twitter: TwitAdrian
1.16.10 at 8:08 am
What a great post! I love you acknowledging that kids speaking like that to each other is actually verbal abuse. I did a post last month about sibling rivalry vs. bullying that covered some of the same topics. This is good for me. I’m going to go read the one about yelling. My DH is a total yeller and over 25 years of marriage, I’ve picked up the habit from him, but I need to drop it immediately. You’re right that kids just hear the wall of noise and don’t get anything useful out of it.
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1.16.10 at 9:32 am
OH gosh I so hear you on this … I am the negotiator for sure but have been really trying to ignore any misbehavior that is not dangerous! Actually took some parenting classes for my middle child. My 1st born was and still usually is very very well behaved without much of an issue but that middle child is 3 and wow he just loves to test his boundaries beyond anything my daughter ever did!! LOL
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest
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1.16.10 at 10:04 am
YES! Great post! As far as sibling fights go, I always try to stay completely out of it unless someone really gets hurt. Often parents who jump in there are inhibiting their kids’ ability to learn how to reconcile things on their own.
When I do need to step in, yes, consistency and consequences (and very few words) always work for me. Thanks for posting this!
Melisa with one S´s last post: Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow
I’m a yeller and I hate it. I’ll catch myself yelling and wonder why I’m doing it. It never achieves anything but to get the whole house in an uproar. I need to change this.
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1.16.10 at 11:45 am
I try not to yell. I find that getting on eye level with my six year old and speaking in a quiet tone in a very serious voice has a far more profound effect than screaming at the tio of my lungs. He seems to be able to tune that out!
Karin aka perpstu´s last post: What Had Happened Was…Or the One Where I Accidentally Hit Delete Instead of Publish
I, too, am in yelling recovery. That was one of my 2010 resolutions that I am still active at working on. Somedays it is a struggle. But each morning I renew the commitment. I appreciate the tip about giving them a concrete thing in response. I have been a negotiator, as well, and I think that leads to my yelling out of frustration. I’m going to negotiate less and walk away more.
Thanks for sharing this.
Twitter: angeliasims
1.16.10 at 12:03 pm
I agree. Yelling just teaches them to yell. Your stance is much better. It’s so hard not to get frustrated as parents. Great resources too. Thanks for including those. Have a great (and quiet) day! :-)
Angelia Sims (Texas)´s last post: Buyer’s remorse? Nikon D3000 DSLR
I am also a recovering yeller. *hugs*
Terrah´s last post: My baby is turning 4 years old tomorrow? Damn…
Stopping by from SITS-great blog, and great post!
Happy Saturday! :)
Sounds like great advice! Action does speak louder than words and I love that they need to actually correct the bad behavior before getting back their privilege.
Visiting from SITS.
Karen, author of “My Funny Dad, Harry”´s last post: Never Get That Kind Again!
Hey! Stopping by from SITS!
Girl, I hear ya, totally. I resort to yelling when everything is chaotic and it just makes it worse, truly. Thanks for the great reminder and encouragement! Will check out the links you posted. Have a great weekend!!
Insanitykim´s last post: FANTASTIC FLASHBACK FRIDAY FUNNESS!
I really don’t want to be a yelling mom either. I haven’t been yet, but it’s certainly not beyond the realm of possibility. My parents are not yellers, but my husband told me that his biological father and stepmother were yellers and has a lot of resentment about it.
Twitter: lvano
1.16.10 at 6:30 pm
I remember as a child telling myself to never forget that when I have children of my own I must always follow through on threats/promises. Oddly the reason is the only teacher in who’se class I ever misbehaved. I was a straight A perfect nerd student, except in his class. Because he would say things like ‘if you don’t do your homework, I’ll suck your eyes out with a vacuum cleaner’ and stuff like that, and honestly, I wanted to see him do it. Prove it! Lol… And here I am with my first child, and I remember. There were a few others too… but that’s the main one. My folks were also not yellers. In fact when my dad went quiet you very quickly towed the line!
Great post, and thanks for the website recommendation!
Luschka´s last post: 365-13 Mommy and Me
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1.16.10 at 6:39 pm
What a great post! Being a mom of 4, I have the same problem with my kids insulting eachother. And I’m guilty of being a yeller for the exact same reason. It’s not easy, but I have learned that keeping quiet is best!
Leslie Limon´s last post: Now What Am I Supposed To Do?
I used to yell my head off. The kids were so used to it, they didn’t even bat an eyelid. For the past two weeks I’ve made a conscious effort to shut the hell up. I feel better, I’m not as stressed and the kids are better behaved. Go figure.
Alex´s last post: Dear Tooth Fairy…
fantastic advice! I think it’s so easy to yell when I get frustrated or like you said, run out of other ideas. I worked at a learning center for a year with very difficult students and our company had a policy of positive reinforcement. It was really interesting to learn how to persuade children through positive ways. One of the most effective techniques I learned was the power of a whisper. You can go really far with a whisper, almost further than yelling. And it keeps your own heartbeat down and helps you maintain control, which of course helps. :-)
Thanks for the blog advice though, really! I’m a new parent and it’s never too soon to start thinking about how I’m going to be a mom.
I grew up a child of divorce, with a mom who yelled (and got nowhere) and a dad who could put us in our place with just one look. Only as a parent myself did I realise what a GIFT that was. I discovered quickly that my kids WANT me to engage, to yell, to respond. When they get swift action (or nonverbal disapproval) instead, it just works so much better for some reason. Mind you, sometimes I want to yell… but I hold back, remembering my own mom and dad… and what works vs. what doesn’t work.
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1.16.10 at 8:01 pm
I like your thoughts about not yelling at the kids, they really want to get something, most often just attention, esteem.
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This was such a good read because I’m a mother..new mom kinda and now wondering if I’m failing in discipline.
These are great tips! I’m going to apply them. They sound easier too and I’m off to read yeller.
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You’re so right. I am speaking as a nonparent so obviously it’s easy for me to say, but i am the youngest of 8. I have 18 nieces and nephews and 3 great nieces and nephews. So I interact with alot of kids. It’s so easy to yell, but what does it get you? You figured it out. Yelling even escalates you and then it’s a cycle of who can yell louder….
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Twitter: Tanya Ortelle
1.16.10 at 11:11 pm
I am not a mother yet, myself, but it is so refreshing to see a mom actively evaluating their parenting methods and really looking into their actions and how it affects their kids (and their behavior). You are truly a brave woman for putting yourself under the microscope and I just wanted to commend you for it!
Thanks also for the blogging sites you posted on SITS today!
Happy saturday!
tanya´s last post: Testing the button!
Just stopping by for a blog visit. I totally agree with your perspective on this one! My kids are all grown now, and my daughter never yells at her kids (I am so proud of her a parent) and her kids are well behaved. She also taught her kids from the time that they learned to talk which words were “bad” words…not profanity…but words like “hate” ..”shut up”..”loser” …etc.
Thanks for the links on this subject! I’m also a yeller and then after I do I feel awful, and as you said, it doesn’t ever fix the child’s behavior! We have tried the ‘1-2-3 Magic’ strategy and I haven’t seen much from that either so I will definitely look into your links…Hopefully they will help and I can start my path to “yelling recovery” :P
Rachael-TooTutuCuteMommy´s last post: Sunday Supper-Chilli
Very good post. Yelling doesn’t work. Less words at lower volume always seem to reap the greatest rewards.
Jenny Matlock´s last post: Friends, Romans, Integers…
Thanks so much for the linkage.
And you nailed. There is nothing quite so powerful in the parenting arsenal as the choice to just shut the hell up!
Twitter: Merry120
1.17.10 at 10:52 pm
I am a yeller. I try not to be but I am. Ugh! It’s especially bad with my stepkids b/c it is so hard when you only have them a tiny bit of time & they look at your house as their vacation from reality. I guess, as with everything, admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it.
Thanks for the post. Maybe I will master it one day! Oh, and Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!
Merry120´s last post: Meal Planning Week 3 & 4
I resemeble this post! My kids constantly pick on each other and I too have found that letting them deal with it works much better than when I step in. My blood pressure is more stable and they are learning important skills for conflict resolution that they will use later in life… well, except for the arm punching and head swatting, I hope.
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1.23.10 at 10:28 am
happy sits saturday. Thanks for the books. I will be checking those out. I am in the need of changing things.
I am coming to you via SITS, and your fantasic and informative Saturday Sharefest posting. Thank you so much! I have been blogging for 4 months and have so much to lean. Your post helped very much!
But I see by visiting you here, that you are full of sage advise. I now have children who are intheir early 20’s and I disciplined our children with love and prudence. And they are wonderful people. Keep up the good work!!!!! Parenting is hard as you know and also as you probably know the best job in the world.
Great blog!
Blessings to you and yours,
Yvonne
Twitter: MathiasAngel
1.23.10 at 11:47 am
Great blog! I will have to come back for more tips. I feel like I have tried everything with my 20 month old and NOTHING is working. Visiting from SITS.
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1.23.10 at 1:16 pm
Great post. I have to say your title made me giggle!
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I LOVE your post, thank you so much for sharing
I have a little nine month old right now and we hope to have a couple more some day, so this post will come in handy. I also will be watching four kids soon, so I need all the help I can get:)
My mom was a yeller. In fact, she would yell until she was hoarse for DAYS. It absolutely can be considered abusive. I am not a yeller, for this very reason, but I struggle with discipline myself because I have a toddler that could have some brain damage from his health condition and I struggle with how I will discipline a child with behavior issues that are beyon their control. How to set boundaries? How to know when it is something he might not be able to help as opposed to when he could be completely able to help himself…ugh..being a parent is HARD.
Good for you for taking the time to analyze your parenting. We could all use a “re-start” on things once in awhile.
Mindy~
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Twitter: ConnieFoggles
1.30.10 at 10:13 am
There’s also the parent who is mean spirited in what they say to their children. They believe they are being funny or on the level of the child, but in reality they are saying hurtful things. I remember my older daughter kept telling me that I was yelling at her and my denying it. It wasn’t until I really listened to what I was saying that her perception of yelling was my bad temper. I’m happy to say that in time, I’ve changed that. I’m still sad about what I did in those years, but in working together we have a great relationship now. BTW, she’s 23 and tells me that I’m a good mom :)
ConnieFoggles´s last post: An Update On My Mother
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1.30.10 at 10:39 am
This is a great tip that I need to work on remembering!
Twitter: prudentwisdom
1.30.10 at 3:38 pm
I am so glad to see that I am not the only “yelling mom” I am trying so hard to recover but I was recently blessed with my 3rd bundle of joy while still trying to raise a 9 year old who is going on 14 and a 2 year old who is ALL boy, Thanx for this advise and resources I am def going to check them out!!
Twitter: HandOsmum
1.31.10 at 12:42 am
This is great post I am a yeller and I hate it. It is usually out of frustration. The thing is my 4 year old now yells back which I think is terrible so I am trying to rid myself of the habit. I don’t want him yelling at me when his 15!!!
Thanks for the other links, I will go and check them out now.
Amanda {my life badly written}´s last post: I’M DREAMING OF VAMPIRES! OBSESSED MUCH?
Wow! I think I could have taken all that you said in the first few examples from my own household just today. (snow day!!) I have always been the calm one but, as my children have gotten older and more verbal I have become a “yeller” and I do not like it and it does not work for long. My children; 11, 10 & 6 have started using the hate, shut up and idiot words and it just breaks my heart to hear. I praise the advise and I look forward to using it. Tomorrow will hopefully start a new way of life for us all.
Thank you,
Sarah